Ive thought over and over again about what I would write if I knew you would read the words. If I had the courage to hand them to you, as if to bare my heart once again, open it up to the pain its now so used to carrying. I would tell you that love only comes along once in every lifetime and what a big mistake our being apart is. We have the strength to get through anything, to get over and past any obstacle.
Where we failed was when we stopped believing in eachother and ourselves. We can point fingers all we want, say it was never meant to be and maybe even believe it but my heart says different, and so does yours. There were so many times we sat and talked openly with nothing to hide and no fear of repercussion. So many times we sat silently and enjoyed the togetherness. There were also times we avoided eachother, ran from the issues that had sprung up between us. We debated many times, whether our relationship was meant to be because we entered into it too soon after meeting. I should have given you time to date, to go out and get it all out of your system. You should have given me time to grow more and get used to the idea that I was leaving my home. We should have looked closer at eachother instead of giving into desire and rushing along the way we did.
What we shared was magic, fate put it together for us. I dont blame anybody but us for it not working just as I wont give credit to anyone but us when we finally reunite and I know that we will one day reunite in a bond so strong no one and no thing will be able to tear us one from another again. We were made for eachother- faults, good points and all, we were made to be together. So many signs point to it, so few are against it. Ive heard that people sometimes fight love and will go to impossible pains to get away from it. I think that on some subconscience level, we both did that. I was having a hard time adapting, I loved the area but was afraid to venture out and make it a part of me because in some deep seeded way, I knew Id miss it all the more if the day came that I was to leave. I should have embraced it- I miss it so now without ever having known all of its finer points, imagine if I had known. You were newly divorced, grasping for security, yet fighting love and the dependency that comes with it.
You are very strong, I should have seen that and encouraged you rather than holding you. I did what I could, encouraged your schooling and advancement but I stilted your growth by loving you far too much, a point weve already discussed. I gave so much of myself, that I left nothing for me to grow on and that was unfair to all of us. You were feeling as though you were chained and I tried to let go by encouraging you to go out with friends whenever you wanted to, I couldnt see that what you really needed was time. I see that now and I have grown enough that I can give you that time. All I ask is for your love someday when youre ready. I dont want a set date or any goals to work toward, I only ask that when the time comes, when youre truly ready to make that commitment unselfishly, that you will. Until then, I can be happy with knowing that you love me and that someday is a real possibility. Ive never offered to wait for anyone or anything but then again, Id never loved until I met you.
Love is meant to be unselfish, to be understanding, to be accepting- all of these, I tried to be, tried to do but fear of losing you forever thwarted my attempts at being all that you needed, I see now that I cannot be everything to you or anyone else.
I always loved you freely, never questioned anything, but I should have. If anything, I have learned to communicate, have learned to say what I feel and let the consequences be whatever they will be. I will not live my life in fear of what might happen, nor fear of what might not happen. Ive learned to live my life as it comes, to accept things as they are and not be afraid to speak up.
If I could, I would draw you close in my arms, feel the beat of our hearts as they hold time together. I would gently kiss you, whisper I love you forever and beyond, Mi Sonrisa. And when the time came to let go, I would without any regret, only joy at having had the opportunity to hold you once again., knowing that I will hold you over and over again if that is meant to be. That would satisfy me. Tears would roll as you walked away, of course, I am only human. A very sensitive, caring woman who loves with her whole self but I am growing to the point of complete acceptance. For you, I can do that; for me, I have.